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In my first (and only) semester of grad school, I took a course on human sexuality. The content was fascinating and sobering. The discussions were lively – led by our 80-something professor who was more comfortable talking about sexuality than anyone I know. Yesterday I pulled out a research paper I wrote for the class about raising sexually healthy preschoolers because, well, I have one of those now. Here are some highlights.
Lay a Foundation
The foundation for raising sexually healthy preschoolers is the same foundation for raising healthy preschoolers period.
Love them – in words and actions. Take an interest in their likes and dislikes. Foster an atmosphere of open communication based on trust. Allow any question no matter the subject matter. Listen to what they’re saying. Know what is developmentally appropriate for their age and manage expectations appropriately. Encourage decision-making and responsibility even in the preschool years – give choices when the stakes are low.
Teach early, often and age-appropriately
By the time many parents talk to their kids about sex, the kids often know everything already. Or at least they know whatever version was told by their friends. It’s easier to give correct information on the front end than to attempt to correct bad information years later.
And since preschoolers are quite curious, teaching situations often happen naturally. “Why do I look different from boys?” Where did I come from?” “How do babies get inside of you?” And if they don’t ask questions, you can still use situations such as potty training, bath time, pregnancy, breastfeeding, etc. to bring up issues surrounding sexuality.
You don’t have to go into details with kids at this age. Keep explanations short and simple – using correct terminology. While it may be uncomfortable, it is essential we use anatomically correct terms with our kids. A contradictory message is sent if our kids learn nicknames for body parts and later discover they were given incorrect information. Using correct terminology teaches our kids to respect and acknowledge every part of their bodies.
When we teach our kids early, often and age-appropriately, sexuality becomes a natural part of life. Not some taboo topic that waits for “the talk” about “the facts of life.”
Teach privacy, not shame
I once overheard a mom mention that she smacks her preschooler’s hand when she finds him playing with his penis. This made me cringe. It is perfectly normal for preschoolers to be curious about themselves and others. Teaching kids to touch themselves (and pick their nose) in private without shaming them is a great way to establish the concept of privacy. Teaching kids that the areas their bathing suits cover are not for other people to look at or touch (with the exception of doctors and parents and caregivers at appropriate times) is another way to instill concepts of privacy and teach them to protect themselves.
Kid’s will learn about sexuality whether we like it or not. So, as parents, let’s be proactive and be the ones who give our kids their first impression of sexuality – as a gift from God to be honored and protected.
There’s so much more that could be said on this topic! Do you have additional tips or suggestions for raising sexually healthy preschoolers? An experience you’d like to share?
I love the idea of teaching privacy, not shame! It's so sad how in our culture privacy is seen as taboo, I'm sure for good reason because unfortunately people can take advantage of it. But I would rather teach my son that his body is for him and for specific adults at specific times, and that there's no shame in learning about our bodies.
We already use anatomically-correct words for our bodies; no nicknames for us!
I think overall parents make way too big a deal over a kid touching themselves. I'm not saying we need to encourage it, just like I don't encourage my daughter to pick her nose. But simply saying it isn't polite to do in public (and then distracting them if in public) is a great way to avoid shaming.
One of the books I read for my research paper made the point that as adults we have a lot of learned behavior when it comes to sexuality and we often import that onto our kids when, in reality, as preschoolers they are merely curious about how they are made.
Thanks for the food for thought. I definitely want to raise my kids differently than I was which was a little "prudish." I do think they are mostly curious at this age. As they get older I think it will get tougher.
Yeah, things definitely seem like they'll get more complicated when the kids get older.
We made the decision not to circumsise our boys after much research into the subject. We felt the foreskin was on there for a reason and the reasons we discovered in our research made a lot of sense and I think our boys (and their wives!) will have a much more rewarding sex life as an adult by being intact (but I will not go on and on into the mechanics of having a foreskin) . .. anyway, my point is, we discovered that "touching" the penis is VITAL to the development of the foreskin. The foreskin is tight and nearly closed over the head of the penis at birth to protect the sensitive glans from urine, feces, diaper rash, etc… The way the foreskin loosens and retracts by adulthood is by stimulation from the boy himself. I have never shamed my boys but taught them privacy, especially since "touching" themselves is vital to their sexual and urinary health! Great article and thanks for sharing. I hope it was an education to some parents!